Hercules in New York (1969)

AKA: Hercules Goes Bananas
Directed by Arthur Allan Seidelman
Written by Aubrey Wisberg
Presented by RAF Industries (currently owned by Lionsgate)

Our Hero: Hercules, of course

Played by: Arnold fucking Schwarzenegger!
A very young Arnold, actually, billed as "Arnold Strong." It'd be more accurate to say that Schwarzenegger plays the body of Hercules. His accent was so thick at the time (18 years old and just off the schnitzel barge) that his voice was dubbed by another, unknown, actor. It was the right decision. Newer DVDs (and some YouTube clips, go check!) offer you, the viewer, the opportunity to confirm the rightness of this choice for yourself.


Where do we lay our scene: Modern-day (well, late '60s) New York


The labor: You know, there really isn't one. The unimportance of the action is established pretty clearly at the start. Hercules just wants to go bum around on Earth for a while.


Other Characters:

The Sidekick – Pretzie, played by Arnold Stang

"They call me Pretzie because, ya see, I sell pretzels on the waterfront there."
As much star power as this movie had resided in Stang. Stang wasn't a major headliner or anything, but by '69 he had a ton of guest shots and voice work to his credit. He's probably best remembered these days as the voice of Hanna-Barbera's purple-clad feline con artist, Top Cat. If Woody Allen raised the love child of Phil Silvers and Danny "Brainy Smurf" Goldman, you might get Arnold Stang. (It wouldn't hurt to mix a little turtle in there somewhere.)

The Girl – Helen (not that one), played by Deborah Loomis

You might know Ms. Loomis from her other two movie roles, in the low-rent 1976 horror Blood Bath or the "classic" sex comedy Fore Play, in which she plays Doll, a Polish sex automaton purchased by comedian and perennial presidential candidate Pat Paulsen. She's every bit as lifelike in this movie.

The Villain – kinda Juno, kinda Nemesis, kinda Pluto, kinda some mobsters…

The lack of clear villain is closely related to the lack of clear goal for Herc. Juno probably deserves credit (as is only right) for being the big bad here. She does a decent job manipulating and cajoling others into action, though her screen time is limited. Nemesis isn't such a bad sort. Pluto seems like he might be threatening, but he just seizes on the opportunity to make a quick buck. The mobsters, Maxie, Nitro, and Fatlips, at least threaten Herc's mortal pals.

Other players?

The only other characters of note are Helen's father (a college professor so bespectacled, be-tweeded, and be-piped that I quickly began to think of him as Professor Dad) and Rod Nelson (Helen's boyfriend at the start, who awkwardly fades in and out of the movie and who is routinely referred to by first and last name, even by Helen).



The Movie:
I almost envy the people who saw Hercules in New York in the theater (there must have been some, right?), mostly for Arnold. From a present-day perspective, it's hard to appreciate what Arnold brought to the flick at the time, aside from his musculature.

You're saying you wouldn't pay to see this?

What we see now is Arnold Schwarzenegger, with his name and face recognition as undeniable as his preternatural pectorals. Until writing this, I never really thought about how much I've seen of Schwarzenegger. Looking at his IMDB page, I count at least 14 Arnold films to my credit. I've seen Schwarzenegger as a barbarian, a commando, a killbot, a genetically engineered ideal human, a cop/kindergarten teacher, a frozen supervillain, a pregnant man, and a desperate dad. While all of those movies were fun in their own way—except Batman Forever—and all of those characters had engaging and even admirable goals—defeating an evil wizard, exterminating humanity, punching Sinbad right in the face, and so on—there's little doubt that Arnold's body, and the name he made with it, was behind a considerable portion of all that box office bank.

Right in the goddamn face.

But I suspect that even in 1969, one would have noticed Arnold for more than his cup size. Hercules in New York really shows what John Milius and James Cameron (in his saner days) must have seen in the young Austrian bodybuilder that made them believe he could use his body to create—or maybe just be—a compelling character. There's an obvious recent analogy in Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, another muscleman with palpable charisma. Schwarzenegger's turn as Hercules isn't what I'd call great acting, or even very good acting, but even young Arnold has a presence that draws your attention, not his body so much as the way he uses it.

You know what, I don't even care if that sounds gay.

The plot of Hercules in New York makes it easy to focus on Arnold. The story is so thin for so long that the viewer is left with ample time to watch Arnold just hang around being Herc. The initial conflict of the film is Hercules' boredom. Zeus has kept him cooped up on Mt. Olympus for 2,000 years (some significant rounding down there, but whatever), and he wants to go down to Earth and have some fun. Zeus gets so angry at the persistent whining that he throws a lightning bolt at Herc, casting him into the sea. On the way down, our hero breezes by a Pan-Am flight, frightening an old lady on her way back from vacation in Greece. The whole opening scene is a good forecast of the film's mood and style. This, we see, is a movie that doesn't take itself too seriously—which is good.

Left: Drag queen Divine's Mother has seen... someone on the wing! Some... THING!
Right: If you pause it just right, she looks like she's raising the roof.

You probably could make a good, kinda kooky flick out of this concept. But this is not that movie. The filmmakers strive for a clever '60s/'70s sex-comedy kind of whimsy (though with a surprising lack of references to contemporary culture). Unfortunately, success in that tenor requires a level of writing and acting way beyond this film and cast. Lovers of shitty cinema (as many peplum fans are) will find the combination of winking and tripping charming. For instance, it's never entirely certain when or whether Hercules is trying to hide his identity (he sticks with his first accidental alias, "Hercules Zeus") or whether all the people around him are just too fucking dense to get it. Pretzie spends days carrying around a book on mythology stolen from Professor Dad—periodically thumbing to the page on Hercules, reading it, and then closing the book again with a puzzled look.

Wait, what was his name again?

Hercules meets Pretzie (there's your movie title right there) as soon as he gets to New York after a brief boat ride—during which Herc gets into his first fight in ages and cows a man who is more or less John Candy. There's another scuffle when Herc leaves the ship without permission, though it's beyond me why anyone would fight to keep him on board, since he refuses to work and seems to really enjoy beating the shit out of the crew. Pretzie hurries him into a cab during a lull in the action, and the two become fast friends.

Eh. He's John Candy enough.

Hercules in New York spends a lot of time convinced that it's a buddy comedy, not enough to actually be a buddy comedy but enough to make me wonder if someone was hoping Stang and Strong were going to be the next big comedy duo. I mourn the lost franchise. Just imagine the entire "Road to" series redone as Strong and Stang pictures. Arnold could've replaced the smooth-talking Bing Crosby (as long as they kept dubbing him) and the nebbishy Stang would've played Arnold's long-suffering-but-giving-as-good-as-he-gets partner. Oh, the patty-cake punches that might have been.

Soon we meet our other ancillaries, Helen Camden, Professor Dad, and her boyfriend Rod Nelson. I actually kind of like how they keep saying Rod Nelson's entire name; it makes him sound like either a porn star or an unbelievably low-rent superhero. Helen and the PD are watching the track and field team (captained by Rod Nelson) train in Central Park when Hercules saunters over to show the athletes how puny they are compared to a demigod.

Just add a cape and you've got Smug-Bastard Man.

Herc's demonstration so impresses Helen and the PD that he and Pretzie are invited over for tea, where Herc offends everyone by asking whether Helen and Rod Nelson are lovers and then pounds on Rod Nelson. Normally, that's not the quickest way to a girl's heart (outside of the Jersey Shore), but it seems to work here. A snippet of dialogue from the next day:

PD: Amusing situation with that fellow, Hercules, yesterday, wasn't it?

Helen: Amusing? That man must be crazy!

PD: Original.

Helen: Primitive!

PD: I find him refreshing.

Helen: You must be kidding!

PD: No!

Helen: Why he almost killed Rod Nelson—had to have a couple of his ribs taped!

PD: Nevertheless, Mr. Zeus interests me. I'd like to get to know him better, study him more closely.

Helen: Oh really!?

PD: Absolutely.

Helen: Well, do you know he had the effrontery to ask if I would have dinner with him tonight?

PD: Well of course you told him…

Helen: I would! (she smiles like Michelle Bachmann)

PD: Naturally.

Helen provides the other relationship the movie isn't sure it wants you to care about. In between plot points, a great deal of time is given to watching Helen and Herc fritter away their afternoons. There is an attempt to inject some action into the dates, like when the couple's carriage is waylaid by an man in a bear suit who escaped from the Central Park Zoo. (Is she screaming in terror during the fight, or…) There's even a little bit of meta-humor when they walk by a poster for a (made up) Hercules movie, Hercules Against The Monster, on which a man drives a chariot away from Godzilla. Hercules is furious at the man's lack of buffness, immediately de-shirting to prove his point. Mostly though, frittering. It feels like we're tagging along on someone's ho-hum sightseeing tour of New York, and we're still unsure if Herc has won over Helen, who is later is shown still hanging out with Rod Nelson.

Above: Grrrrrrr....

Below: If you print this out, you could make your own little orgasm flip book.

Oh hey, I almost forgot—plot points! Pretzie parlays newspaper headlines about Herc's bear fight into a wrestling career. They need the cash to pay for Herc's hotel room as well as Pretzie's prodigious drinking habit. His between pretzel snack is a fifth of vodka. This eventually gets the pair involved, not that Hercules knows it, with the mob (the aforementioned firm of Maxie, Nitro, and Fatlips). Zeus is pissed with his son for being such a showoff, so he sends Nemesis with orders to drag Herc off to cool his heels in the underworld for a century as punishment for his insolence. Juno waylays Nemesis and blackmails her into colluding on a scheme with Pluto that could stick Hercules in the land of the dead permanently. She gives Nemesis a ring with a hidden compartment for magic powder (the sort of jewelry that's about to come in real handy in New York) that will temporarily rob Hercules of his strength and immortality.

Of course, the stuff takes effect the very day of the big clean-and-jerk weightlifting competition with Monstro the Magnificent, a big-top strongman (played by Tony 'Mr. World' Carroll) who disputes Herc's claim to be the strongest man in the world and who is also the second black actor in the film (after one of the guys Herc beat up on the docks). Pluto, in his only real act in the movie, has gotten the mobsters to place a sizeable bet on Hercules (20 Gs at 5 to 1). Maxie, Nitro, and Fatlips are thus none too pleased when the demigod fails to out lift Monstro, and they decide to take their loss out on Herc's hide. Helen and the PD try to help Hercules by leading the mobsters away on a wild goose chase, but Hercules, fearing for his girlfriend(?)'s safety, pursues both cars with Pretzie in a hijacked chariot, and we're off to the movie's climax!

The ensuing Forum-esque chase—another chance to prove they filmed this in New York— involves Helen & the PD, the mobsters, Herc & Pretzie in their chariot, a dude in a shoulder-strap fur onesie whose chariot they stole while he was getting a hotdog, and a hotdog vendor, because Tarzan forgot his sauerkraut. Yes, the hotdog vendor (African American #3!) is carrying a forkfull of sauerkraut. No, it is not explained why Tarzan is driving a chariot through downtown Manhattan.

But sir! Your kraut!

The chase ends at our setting for the big showdown, a paper warehouse. Maxie gets a whole troop of gangsters to back him up, and Hercules is sent help from on high in the form of, you guessed it, Atlas and Samson! (Samson? Really? We're going to toss in biblical figures at the last minute?) And, of course, Herc gets his own strength back in time to knock some rolls of paper onto some villains.

The second the fight is over, the movie shifts into epilogue mode. Helen, the PD, and Rod Nelson drop off entirely, and Herc quickly abandons Pretzie during yet another sightseeing outing, this time on the observation deck of the Empire State Building, disappearing back to Olympus without a word of goodbye. It isn't until Pretzie arrives home, a broken man, to his lonely little apartment that he gets a message from his buddy. Herc's voice (the dubbed voice even in the audio track where you hear Arnold) comes through Pretzie's radio to confirm that everything that happened was real, Pretzie isn't crazy, and that while Hercules may be gone, he'll never be gone from Pretzie's heart. All Pretzie has to do is think of Hercules, and he'll be there. And we know it's true, because after their final chat, Pretzie decides to eat an apple. No more empty carbs and booze for Pretzie. I think this may be the moral of the movie.

Yeah, from now on, just call me Appley.

Finally, back on Olympus, Hercules finishes telling Zeus and Juno about his trip. Zeus sends his highly dysfunctional family away so he can think for a while and quietly removes his golden laurels, and our last shot is a very Hassidic-looking Zeus repeating Herc's Pan-Am gag.

Coming soon to a theater new you, the sequel, Zeus Takes Miami!

Interesting Netflix suggestions?
I understand why the other Hercules titles and New York movies (though An Englishman in New York made me chuckle), and even Running with Arnold makes sense, but Let Me In? The adaptation of the Scandinavian vampire/coming of age movie?


Misty Watercolored Memories?

—There is near-constant bouzouki music, which plays particularly hard and fast during the fight scenes. This movie left me with a nagging desire to smash some plates.

—This evening on Exposition Tonight, Helen reads the PD some plot developments from the newspaper.

—Olympus also looks suspiciously like Central Park.

—Even if you hadn't heard Arnold speak before, that is obviously not his voice. Also, sometimes when he speaks, there's a shift in (or an elimination of all) the ambient sound. Hercules, why are birds suddenly afraid every time you speak near me?

—One of the goddesses is sporting like 85% of Olympus's mascara supply.

Ok, 85% is a rough estimate. Could be more.

—Where the hell did two guys with no cash get suits to fit Arnold/Hercules? And what about onboard the ship? Maybe he squeezed into "John Candy"'s clothes.

—Pretzie used to know a Greek guy named Apollo, and he and Hercules both assume it's the same guy as the Apollo Hercules knows. Hey; it's Greece, not Canada.

(You're Canadian!? Do you know Dave?)

—Oh no, Pretzie left his basket in the cab! Pretzie! Your pretzels!

—Forget about divinity/mortality for a second; why does everyone believe this guy is Greek? Arnold Schwarzenegger looks about as Greek as a new pair of lederhosen.

—Pretzie has a wedding ring? Why is his apartment empty? Is the death of Pretzie's wife the untold tragedy of this movie?

—Hmm… They seem to have brought the invisible bouzouki player on their date.

—Fully dressed, Arnold looks almost human-sized.

Favorite Fight?
The climactic battle is pretty fun. Atlas and Samson: one of them is in a Tarzanesque over the shoulder number, and the other one is wearing little brown shorts (skorts?) with a poofy/diapery look. But really, the chase scene is the best.

Moral of the story?
Juno says they should let Hercules just stay on earth; mortals will punish him because they will always resent people who are different and try to destroy them.
Really, though, it's about good carbs.

Best? Lines?

—Pretzie offers Herc a pretzel, which Herc says is food for the gods, and Pretzie says he gets them from a bakery in Brooklyn called "Food For The Gods Bakery." The hilarity!

—PD tells Helen that it's too bad Rod Nelson works so hard "even to the point of neglecting you, I'm afraid." Ew.

—PD: "Tea, the conventional social drink."

—Attempts to make Helen sound smart are hilarious. When Herc tells her she reminds him of a goddess, her response is, "I must say it's the first time anyone has been so, so extravagant with his comparisons where I am concerned."

—Helen: "Did your mother drop you on your head as a baby or something?"

Hercules: "Once I strangled two serpents in my cradle."

Helen: "Oh heeheehee!" (nods and giggles like she's high as a kite)

—"Pluto is the king of all evil pleasures." Everyone's always so hard on Pluto. I'll say this for him; he is the swankiest looking dude in the flick.

—"So, you're Hercules. I'm Rod Nelson!"

—Zeus:" If I had known how much trouble it would cause me, I'd have thought twice when I met his mother on my vacation."

What makes it stand out in the realm of peplum?
The modern-day setting and, again, Arnold fucking Schwarzenegger.

Efforts to please picky classicists?
I appreciated the fumbling attempt at name consistency. Hercules is, after all, the Roman name, and most of the gods here use Roman names (Juno, Venus, Mercury, etc), but then why Zeus and not Jupiter? And Herc says he's Greek. Still, I dug how many of the gods were included and how true to character most of them were, especially Hercules, who showed off his four most important qualities in spades: simple-mindedness, pigheadedness, loyalty to his friends, and an boundless self-confidence.

Inevitable annoyance for picky classicists?
Again, Samson? Also, Herc jokes that Hebe is into Apollo. Really? That's your wife, dude. Is Hercules a cuckold fetishist?

Jesus Christ, someone's making it into a musical: http://www.premierepicturesinc.com/hercules.html

Next time: We get back to Mediterranean basics with the movie that paved the way for a genre. Steve Reeves is Hercules!